Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Parents are stupid

Parents are stupid. Mom wants to be mayor again. She has been mayor of this hick town for 4 years and she wants more. Dad has a million dollar idea. He wants to remake his flower shop into a music store / studio / flower shop boutique. He'd call it "Mums and Roses". Dad also thinks he can make more money if there is a three story flashing neon sign outside the shop. The Town Council didn't like that idea and Mom didn't want to have an exception made for her family, so Dad wants Mom to lose the election. I figure that he wants Mom home more, and that he wants his friend Bubba to be mayor so Dad can get his sign. Mom doesn't know that Dad was behind the letters to the editor that said she shouldn't be reelected.

Talking about stupid I'm not even going to mention my little brother. Me, I just want a normal life. Fat chance. Oh yeah, and now Mom gotten even weirder. She is not making my life hell! We aren’t arguing anymore. That is very weird. I was telling all this to my little brother when he said "I know why she’s not bothering you. She’s not mom. She doesn't have the big scar on the back of her knee. She cooks better too. And she lets me play video games all day."

As stupid as they are, little brothers aren't always wrong. Mom wasn't likely to make Mac and Cheese ten days in a row. She didn't usually let us out at the grocery store with $100 and shout "get more food." Mom had made it clear for several years that she thought two kids were at least enough but now she was telling Dad "I need more babies. At least five." . It was not like her to have a campaign slogan like "Save money; give me your extra kids." It was not like her to take long walks between 2 and 4 in the morning and say she was "just visiting her friends (don't tell Dad)".

"Ok Smarty, who is Mom if she isn't Mom?"

"You know that sentence doesn't make any sense. You can't be someone if you aren't that someone."

"Nothing in my life makes sense, so just answer the question. So who is she if she isn't mom?"

"You know that meteor we heard about a couple of months ago? The one they couldn't ever find? I bet aliens in it stole our Mom and gave us this new Mom. They must want something. They didn't come gazillions of miles just so we could have more Mac and Cheese. "

Well, Mom had been different for the last couple of months. And she had started wanting babies in that weird way. So if Mom is an alien, then they must want babies. That made a freaky amount of sense. And there is so much stuff about aliens on the Internet that there must be something to it.

Fine, this sucks. So now it would be harder to get babysitting jobs with aliens stealing babies. Just my luck. That iPod I want is starting to seem more and more like a noPod.

Then my little brother pipes up "Ok, we need to do something. I told Mom I was getting sick of Mac and Cheese, and she suggested Spaghetti and Cheese instead. I can't stand the thought of having anymore babies around here, either."

What do you do when your Mom is an alien? You go talk to Dad. Even if he is stupid.

At the store, Dad was trying to put together an order for his wholesaler by pouring over old celebrity magazines trying to figure out what flowers rock stars like. Mom came in just as we got there. Dad said "What are you doing here, Dear?"

"The girl and the boy need to go get more food. Send them." She turned around and was walking out when the radio started its 60's hour. "What is that sound? It is calling to me."

"It's the Rolling Stones, Dear. But you always hated that song ever since it was playing when the police showed up while we .…" He remembered we were there too. "Uh. Nevermind."

"It is telling me to have a meeting here tonight at 6:06 pm. Send everybody away from here then. I will go hunting babies now."

"OK, Dear." He turned to us. "Kids, how long has your Mom been like this?"

"Days, Dad. Days and days."

"Great! Bubba's a shoe-in now. I'll call the newspaper today, and the doctor tomorrow."

That would take care of Dad's problems, but it wouldn't get our old Mom back. For lack of any better idea we decided to hide in the back of the store during the meeting and try to learn something. At 6, Mom came in and sent Dad home. By 6:06 there were 25 people there who seemed just as weird as Mom.

Mom started to talk: "We have been given new instructions. Listen." She turned the radio on-to the Golden Oldies station. It played "Michelle" by the Beatles. After the Beach Boys sang "Good Vibrations" everybody went "aahhhh". The radio then played the Rolling Stones again and they listened intently. After that, Mom spoke: "We have made a mistake and must go back. Free the humans. We will leave them their loud babies and all those used diapers. Go now."

I know a good idea when I hear one, so we went, too. We ran out the back door and back home. We just hoped that the aliens would do the right thing. Mom wandered in an hour later with a headache, dirty clothes, and a little red wagon filled with diapers and babies. "I don't feel well. Whose babies are these? Am I still Mayor?" We knew it was the real Mom.

Mom won the election and Dad settled for a one story sign. Now I know that aliens are stupid, too. Is it smart to go a gazillion miles by mistake and then take advice from Mick Jagger?


Darcy kindly contributed the following ideas.

1. Create a list of things that you'd like to write about (ideas for stories)

What if humanoid aliens invade a midwestern town in search breeding stock?

How would a faith-based singer redeem himself/herself if he/she fell from grace in a very public manner?

What if someone accidentally developed the ability to fly?

2. Create, in a little more depth, three characters

The Villian: Handsome, smart and self-assured, the villian is well-liked and respected by the community. Only those close to him know he has flaws. He is power hungry and will stop at nothing to achieve his goals. The only visible chinks in his armor are his vanity and his incessant knuckle popping.

The Hero: Slightly dorky (but in an endearing sort of way), the hero is obsessed with something (video games, pies, a television reality show -- you pick 'em). His obsession keeps most people from really getting know him and has helped to brand him as a semi-outcast. His specialized knowledge comes in handy when solving the conflict.

The Heroine: Everyone always thinks they know what's best for the heroine but all their "help" has landed her in her current predicament. This time, she's determined to help herself. That would be a lot easier if she wasn't such a clutz.

3. Create some sort of conflict(or if you're feeling generous*, a couple of conflicts and your victim co-author can choose which one he/she likes)

The hero or heroine’s mother is the mayor of the town the story is set in, and it’s election year. The entire family is pressuring the hero/heroine to act as if there is nothing wrong/different so Mom will be re-elected.


Thalia's Child said...

Totally cracked me up!

The aliens can take all my dirty diapers on their way out of town.

Jen of A2eatwrite said...

You *know* how much I loved this! Totally great take on this. I'm so glad your wonderful sense of humor really shined through this time! GREAT stuff!

cablegirl said...

Hahahaha! You know, just because something sounds crazy doesn't mean it is. This was a really fun read. :)

cablegirl said...

Hahahaha! You know, just because something sounds crazy doesn't mean it is. This was a really fun read. :)

anno said...

Too funny! And lots of fun to read, too! Great story!

Luisa Perkins said...

Great voicing--very funny!

Wholly Burble said...

I love how the kids take this all in stride LOL--so funny. And leaving the babies and dirty diapers--what a hoot.

You could probably pitch this to Hollywood and get a movie made out of it!

Darcy said...

Funny, funny, funny! Oh man, I LOVED what you did with this. And it can't have been easy with the whole aliens/babies/mayoral race thing. You sir, have quite a creative mind.
"Is it smart to go a gazillion miles by mistake and then take advice from Mick Jagger?" Oh my, I'm still snickering about that one :)

Leslie said...

Hilarious! This story had me laughing all the way through. I love how the Dad says he'll call the paper first, then the doctor. Gotta love those priorities!

Jenn in Holland said...

giggle, snort, guffaw!
Loved it all. Very funny take on a seriously strange situation!!